At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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