So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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