I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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