I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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