bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
