i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
false alarm, still single
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
