Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Your cock deserves a montage
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
