Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
