College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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