i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
