Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
