I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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