When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize