how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
