what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
