I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
