On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
