Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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