Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He better not be in your backpack
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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