under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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