Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
