Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
