roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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