Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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