She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
