So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
