but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
