i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
