I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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