Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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