i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
