This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
