Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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