No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
