I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
