apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
