Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
