he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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