Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Two words: blizzard sex
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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