Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
