remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
