I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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