I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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