I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
