could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
