She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
