Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
