My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
