remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
