it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
