Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wear drunk well.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
