I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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