so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
