my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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