he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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