no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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