She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
